i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize