today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
