I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
My liver is preforming stress tests.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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