Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
