Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
