Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
