Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
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