I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
