Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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