I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize
