dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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