i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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