dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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