I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Randomize
