Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
