Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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