my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
