After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
My ass is underappreciated
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
