omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
I smell stomach acid.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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