I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
