dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
