Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
