Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
