sooo how much is appropriate to spend on a vibrator? what if it is really legit looking?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
The air taste purple.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
