you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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