dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
