She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
You are the jesus of drinking
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
