Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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