Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
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