well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
