Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
