I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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