smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
