Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
