sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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