Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Randomize
