I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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