If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
