Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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