Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Randomize
