Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
