guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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