Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
