Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Randomize
