I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
