Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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