you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Randomize
