wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
