I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize