turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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