I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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