Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
