I'm laying in your front yard are you home
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Randomize
