I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
