You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
You've changed since you got that strap on
Randomize
