Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
