I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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