I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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