Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
