Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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